I have been married to my second wife, Laura, for nearly 38 years. We are both in our 70s and don't want our remaining days just to "happen", but to be joyful and happy. I believe I am the architect of any problems we do have, because I find it very difficult to get in touch with my feelings and certainly to express them. This leads to misunderstandings and disappointments for Laura.

She tells me that I neglect her feelings and only consider my own. I try to do things the right way and am disappointed when they go wrong. And I try to please her, but maybe it's sometimes too much, or at the wrong time or generally inappropriate.

I guess I bottle up my feelings, and find it hard when I am criticised. I know I tend to "hide behind a pillar" and don't readily speak out my thoughts – even when they are kind and loving ones. Maybe it is something to do with my very male-orientated background. I was at boarding school as a boy and then spent twenty-one years in the services. After that, I retrained as a teacher and taught in a boys' school for 7- to 13-year-olds.

We have a large family of six children between us, and now nine grandchildren ranging from 23 years to 18 months. They all get on, and we are friends with both our former spouses again. So there is all to live for – but it's not as happy as we both want it to be. Can you help? George

Dear George,

First of all, I want to commend you for taking responsibility for the problems in your marriage, and secondly, for wanting to do something about them.

When a long marriage isn't as good as it could be, the temptation can be to bail out or to sweep the issues under the carpet and settle for the status quo. However, I believe that there is a third option – which is the one you are exploring – and that is to work at improving the marriage. No one is too old to discover better ways of relating. I have seen couples that have been married for sixty years transform their marriages – so I know it is possible.

How do you go about it? I want to focus on four things you could do.

First, concentrate on changing yourself, rather than your wife. Most of us are far more aware of our spouse's faults, mistakes and irritating habits than we are of our own. But we need to take the critical spotlight off our partner and try to improve what isn't perfect in ourselves (which will no doubt be a lifetime's work).

You already realise that you aren't good at expressing feelings and that this causes problems in your marriage. Recognising the issue is a good start.

I know it is possible to change because I had to learn, too. Like you, I went to boarding school when I was eight and, similarly, found it hard to access my emotions as an adult. Boarding taught me confidence, independence, how to survive and compete. But I also subconsciously learnt to rely on myself, not to express negative emotions and to avoid showing weakness. It sounds like you learnt similar lessons, ones that were reinforced during your time in the services and teaching in a single-sex school.

As you've discovered, self-reliance and an inability to express feelings are not conducive to a healthy relationship. How can our spouse, or anyone for that matter, understand us if we don't know how we feel ourselves? And how can we empathise with them if we don't have an emotional vocabulary to draw on?

A friend of mine helped me. She used to ask how I was or how I felt about a certain situation, and if I answered "fine" or "OK", she would ask me how I really felt. I would then have to dig a little deeper. If I couldn't find the emotion I was looking for, she would help by saying something like, "If that happened to me I would be really angry. Doesn't it make you feel angry?". By doing that, she was helping me to access my emotions.

You could ask Laura to help in a similar way or you could use a journal. Write down all the feeling words you think of (a therapist I know reckons there are about 150). Then at the end of each day, think about what happened and how you felt. Try to choose words from the list that best match your feelings.

Learning to speak "feelings" won't be easy. Like learning a foreign language, it will take practice, time and patience. But it will be worth it.

Second, seek to understand and listen to your spouse. Laura complains that you neglect her feelings and try too hard to please. You can't be expected to guess what she wants, but I would recommend that you try to find out. How? By asking.

Ask her questions, even if you might not like the answers. Get her to tell you what she would like to improve in your relationship and what you could do to make her feel loved. In a relationship, especially a long one, we assume we know our partner, how they feel and what they like. But people change, and if a relationship is to grow and mature, we need to keep learning about each other.

So, take time to listen to Laura. Don't interrupt, don't try to fix problems, don't go off on a tangent, try not to get defensive if she tells you something you've done wrong… but really listen to her. Focus your attention on her, and keep listening until you truly understand. If it does turn out that you have done something wrong, be quick to say "sorry".

Third, you must keep the joy alive. Keep building on your bank of shared memories. Write a list of things you would both love to do and places you would like to visit. Then make them happen for each other.

Also, plan to have a date night together once a week, either in or out. If it is at home, create a romantic atmosphere and take turns cooking. If Laura likes surprises, plan something that she would love. If you are not sure what that might be, ask one of her children for ideas.

Find out what makes Laura feel most loved and do it. If she wants you to remember to take the rubbish out, do that. If she longs for you to buy her a bunch of flowers, buy her some. If she would rather a foot massage, then invest in some oil and get rubbing.

Remember, what makes you feel loved and special might not be what works for her. So, take the time to find out what she really likes. If you want a clue – think of the things that she complains you don't do.

Finally, invest in the relationship. Regularly ask yourself how you can be a blessing to Laura. This may sound rather one-sided but as Laura feels more loved and understood, she is likely to respond by loving you better in return. It is a win-win situation.

I would also recommend that you both go on The Marriage Course (www.themarriagecourse.org), which is run in hundreds of venues across the country. The great thing about this course is that there is no group work. After a romantic meal, you listen to a talk and then you have opportunities to discuss the topic – just the two of you. I know of lots of couples, young and old, with good marriages as well as ones in crisis, who have benefited from it. I think you both would find it a great help and enjoyable, too.

I hope that you and Laura find the joy and happiness you are seeking. Do let me know how things go.

In the meantime, what do you think? If you have any advice on how to improve a long marriage or tips on how to inject joy into a relationship, please write to me or let other readers know what helped by using the comments section below.

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